Why do we say "I'm fine" when we deeply long for help
- Unbraced Woman
- Aug 3
- 4 min read
Practice 1: Meeting the Braced Self - the energy of compassionate awareness & witnessing
One of the greatest ironies of my life was that I desperately wanted people to notice I was struggling. At the same time, I’d become incredibly good at making sure nobody ever could.
Sounds familiar? Welcome to the team.
As a young adult navigating the weight of a new, self-made life, I would sometimes deeply crave protection and support. But because I had already built an image as "the independent one," the response I usually heard was, "You're a smart girl, you'll figure it out." It was always meant as praise, but inside, I was just tired, lost, and scared - secretly wishing someone would step in so I didn't have to be strong for a moment.
So, I kept things moving. That independent image became my armor. Even after a moment of vulnerability, I’d quickly backtrack, minimize how I felt, shrug, and say, "I’m going to be okay, as always. I'll handle it."
Now, let me be clear: this isn't about blaming our past or our parents. Our parents did their best with what they knew, and as adults, the responsibility for our lives and our healing belongs to us.
So, I’m not here to play therapist or dig into history - I'm not qualified for this. But I'm here to offer a practical tool to help you recognise if you are trapped in this same exhausting loop.
Modern neuroscience shows that when you've spent years being "the one who handles it", your nervous system automatically prepares for that role before you even consciously think. The moment support becomes available, your body contracts, your jaw tightens, and you minimize your needs out of sheer habit.
Why can't we "think" our way out of it?
Because our habits don't start in our analytical minds. They start in our bodies. When praise has always been tied to your ability to "figure it out," being vulnerable starts to feel like a failure. Minimising your needs becomes an automatic defense mechanism to preserve your identity as the capable one and protect yourself from the sting of reaching out and not getting what you actually need.
When self-reliance has been your armor for years, your nervous system learns to view receiving help as a threat to your safety, identity, and control. Long before your logical brain can even evaluate an offer of support, your body has already reacted. It tightens, braces, and readies a quick decline to keep that protective identity intact.
If self-reliance was your safest historical strategy, your nervous system learned to view needing help as a threat to your safety, identity, and control. Long before your logical brain can even evaluate an offer of support, your body has already reacted. It tightens, braces, and readies a quick decline to keep that protective armor intact.
Because the brain predicts rather than just reacts, we cannot simply think our way into a new habit. We have to meet this pattern where it actually lives: in the body's physical sensations. Somatic practices allow us to bypass our quick-thinking defenses, bringing gentle awareness to the exact moment we start bracing, so we can finally notice the reflex before it takes over.
The short 10-minute practice below is designed to help you catch that exact moment before you minimize yourself.
By practicing this awareness, you will learn to:
Recognise the exact moment support becomes available
Notice physical sensations (tight shoulders, clenched jaw, stomach contractions) before you speak
Distinguish between a habitual reflex and an actual choice
Create a pause (even just for a few seconds) between the offer of help and your response. We aren't trying to force you to be vulnerable overnight. We are simply creating a tiny, sacred pause between someone offering help and your automatic response.
Because once you can notice the pattern in your body...
... you finally have the power to choose something different.
The science of the pause
This practice bridges mindfulness with modern neuroscience, drawing from four key fields:
Scientific field | What it means for you |
Interoception | The brain's ability to sense, integrate, and interpret internal bodily signals. |
Predictive processing | How the brain uses past experiences to prepare the body before a conscious decision is made. |
Embodied cognition | The understanding that our thoughts, emotions, and mental states are deeply rooted in physical sensations. |
Nervous system regulation | Using physiological awareness to shift out of automatic survival states (like hyper-independence). |
What's next?
Once you've spent a few days simply noticing that brief moment before your armor goes up, you're ready for the next step.
In Practice 2: Softening the Shield, we won't just observe the tension - we'll explore what it feels like to allow a tiny bit of space around it, giving your body permission to safely receive. Sign up to my newsletter to receive the second practice to your inbox.
Take your time with today's exercise. Remember, awareness isn't about doing it perfectly, but simply about catching yourself in the act with kindness... and letting the neuroscience magic happen.
References:
Khalsa SS, et al. (2018) & Chen WG, et al. (2021), The Emerging Science of Interoception
Quigley KS, et al. (2021), Functions of Interoception: From Energy Regulation to Experience of the Self
Damasio A, Carvalho GB. (2021), Interoception and the Origin of Feelings: A New Synthesis
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